My girlfriend wants me to give her an analysis on our sex life
How many nights per week do you eat dessert after dinner?
I wonder if Nazis played Yahtzee in yachts at sea.
Design by committee is good, as long as it is a committee of designers.
Life occurs at the intersection of expectations and reality.
Every body in motion seeks rest.
I design logos because I want to make a name for myself.
I wanted to be an archaeologist, but I didn't want my career to be in ruins.
You cant spell Dad without a, D.
A hug without u is toxic
The greatest triumph's often go unnoticed.
"all we have to decide is what to do with the time that was given to us." - Gandalf
Technically, Orion's Belt is a waist of space.
Typing on paper
Rolling and undulating terrain is just hilarious.
The way these oranges on this poster are arousing
I feel really bad for the person who coined the term: "When the shit hits the fan."
I am the emporer of hyperbole.
Did you hear about the eccentric billionaire who went to a Seaside Campground and gave away $1,000,000 to every person in a tent and another 20 million to fund research into the dolphins that swim in the area?
Did you hear about the marijuana policy at Los Angeles International Airport?
Sometimes I feel like I'm just a toilet floating around in a sea of assholes.
I often feel as if I am just a single toilet floating around in a sea of assholes.
It’s her birthday today and I would like to write this in her birthday card:
I'd tell you my joke about construction, but it's a work in progress.
I have a phobia of elevators, so I take steps to avoid them.
When I asked the hostess for validation, she told me that I was a good person.
At the end of the day...
Male pigs are boaring
An honest Fox news anchor is a foxymoron.
I was going to make some butter today, but it wasn't my churn.
How do you know there are two "I"s in idiot?
You wanna know something deep?
When you love life, then everyday becomes a lovely day.
"But what if you have someone in your house named Alexa?"