My boss said, “Can I have a brief word?”
“Dad, what does coincidence mean?”
My mom was an excellent ventriloquist.
/u/username goes to get his weekly groceries.
“Officer, how did the hackers manage to escape?”
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I just bought an expensive car, and found out the reverse gear was broken right after I drove out.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
“You are under arrest for downloading the whole of Wikipedia!”
My wife: Why don’t I ever seen you mop, vacuum, or sweep?
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Every night, my roommate gets high and watches the Benjamin Button movie in reverse.
The pulley is the machine with the biggest ego.
“Nope,” says the Pope.
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”
I asked my ex, “Did you think of anyone else when we were having sex?”
My wife and I started arguing as to who gets to use the microwave first.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Not to brag, but I’m staying in the same hotel room as the one Lebron James recently stayed in.
My friend was showing off his tattoo of Pi on his face.
My stripper friend drops her kid off at my place when she goes to work.
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
My mom’s sister and my dad’s sister fell in love and eloped to the Alaskan wilderness.
After our house burnt down, the cops told us it could have been done by someone we know.
The bartender at my neighborhood pub calls me Kevin McAllister.
My Chinese takeout dumplings just fell in a puddle of water.
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
His days are numbered.
When I went to culinary school, the bullies used to cover me with chocolate and cream, and then put a cherry on my head.
“How much wood have you chopped?”
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
I was complaining to my friend about the racism I face every day being a person of color.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in the human trafficking business.
I told my dad I wanted to be a history major.
The original plan was to make two Yogi Bears, but there was a screw up.
According to a recent study, the favorite movie of most hipsters is Raiders of the Lost Ark.
My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
I’m sitting and waiting for a seminar on Tantric sex to end.
My uncle just asked me what schadenfreude meant, and I didn’t know.
My mailman friend tells a lot of jokes about undelivered letters.
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I just visited a posh strip club in Northern Canada.
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
After I had a peek at my girlfriend’s drivers license, I decided to break up with her.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
My wife thinks I’m an idiot who can’t even do the simplest things right.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I just yelled, “F, YOU GUYS!” at my students.
“How does it feel to be the world anagram champion?”
Approximately 56% of strippers are working their way through college.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad.
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
It may not be politically correct to say this,..
The cops are questioning me about illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia.
For the next Olympic Equestrian contest, they are renaming the “Show Jumping” event.
I was visiting Bermuda, and went to check out their Philharmonic orchestra.
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
My science professor said that he’ll show us his transistor.
A congressional aide asks the politician, “What should we do about this abortion bill?”
Whenever I see someone jogging on a cold winter morning, I always think to myself, “Wow! I’m so impressed....
Sex with me is like a German opera.
My kid and I went to the pet store, and now he wants a pet porcupine with no quills.
Doctor: You have a hip injury.
I was trying to imagine a world without hypotheticals.
What is white and in the Olympic 100 metre track final?
TIL: You can know an ant’s IQ by seeing how it reacts to fire.
Doctor: Your hand is broken. I’ll put you in a cast, and it’ll recover.
If I was a celebrity, I would be happy to endorse podiums.
Ewok moms are always happy with how well behaved their kids are at home.
I asked my wife to say 4 things about me. She said I’m mature, I’m polite, I’m perfect, ...
Tiger Woods’ girlfriend had a baby via C-section yesterday.
As I was watching my wife give birth, I was proud, amazed and a little surprised.
Every time I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same person.
I convinced my wife to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her butt.
One of the joys of parenthood is to snuggle into your child’s bed during a thunderstorm to make sure they’re not scared.
For the upcoming holiday season, I was thinking of making my parents the same thing I do every year.
The three unwritten rules about procrastination.
IRS Auditor: For your tax return, you just wrote down “Money for Nothing, Checks for Free??”
Dustin Diamond, aka Screech, was arrested yesterday, but thankfully didn’t spend the night in jail.
The inventor of the calendar was so excited about his new discovery that he ran to his wife to tell her.
I walked into my dyslexic friend’s room, and saw him putting black paint on his penis.
I don’t follow English soccer, but if I did, I’d be a supporter of West Ham.
I asked a sweet old woman, “Excuse me, but can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
I miss those hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank.... and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
“Would you like to have sour cream, bacon, and chives on your potato?”
Peter Dinklage fired his agent today for incompetence.
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451, and asked him “How do you like it?”
When I was a child, my dad used to play frisbee with me every day.