I just bought a border collie.
At willcall for a concert, I start a conversation with the lady in front of me.
Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
What's black and never works?
Did you hear where the new Tesla factory is being built?
Sex is like Broccoli.
I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
When I was young, at bedtimes...
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing.
What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?
What's 18 inches long and never gets used?
I just bought the new iPhone, but my son dropped it and the screen shattered.
I had a job interview recently, and the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
Today is International Women's Day.
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?
Why should you knock before you open the fridge door?
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"
Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?
"Dad, why did you and mom name me Blue?"
My crazy ex-wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.
Why do Paedophiles never win races?
What kind of ant is good at math?
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket.
How do you make a plumber cry?
My wife has a body of a 12 year old.
It's very rare that a defibrillator fails.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
My house cleaner is getting really annoying.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...
Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?
What do Mexicans cut their pizzas with?
Met a woman at the bar the other night. She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10.
What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A programmer tells his wife, "I'm going to the store."
My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas...
You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
I was in the confessional booth today, and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?
Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."
God damned millennials!
I'm so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!"
What's green and fluffy?
I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations...
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler.
To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".
Sauron is a great name.
If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
So I was fucking my sister, and she stops me and says, "Wow you fuck just like Dad."
A man is walking on the beach and discovers a lamp in the sand.
I just found out I'm colorblind
I used to have a job crushing cans.
My sexual desires have been getting out of control.
There's a hole in the nudist camp's wall
A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day.
I can't understand my parents.
A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"
Climate change is such a joke.
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
I always wanted to be a doctor.
What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"
What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?
When does a joke become a Dad Joke?
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.
How is God just like every other man?
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area.
I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.
What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist?
I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.
If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it...
A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.
I recently started the new Brexit diet.
So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools.
I'm 40, and I've got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday.
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...