So, I've recently had struggles getting or maintaining erections when with a woman, and I've begun realize that I have always put myself under a lot of pressure to perform sexually.

People in my situation are usually advised to relax and to realize that sex is not a performance. But I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that concept.

How is sex NOT a performance? I am touching someone's body with the express purpose of stimulating in a pleasurable way, hopefully up to orgasm. I'm heavily concentrating on what my partner likes, responds to, dislikes and communicates verbally and nonverbally, all in an attempt to maximize her pleasure on the fly. I realize I'm treating sex the same way that a safe cracker treats a combination lock and that's it's probably not they way to go, but how else am I supposed to approach it?

If I just focus on my own pleasure and "being in the moment," I will feel like (and probably act like) a selfish lover that just gets off and then loses all interest.

Am I supposed to just abstractly appreciate all the nuances of her body and sensuality in some kind of aesthetic sense? Maybe just kind of fiddle around in her genatalia out of raw curiosity? Absent-mindedly toy with her boobs? Play pat-a-cake on her ass for the Hell of it? Doesn't sound very sexy at all.

Can anybody offer some insight?