|Submited on :||Fri, 13th of Jul 2018 - 08:14:37 AM|
|Post ID :||8yf616|
|Post Name :||t3_8yf616|
|Post Type :||text|
|Subreddit Type :||public|
|Subreddit ID :||t5_2r2jt|
You should tell him how you feel.
Or at least some one in the family.
Your husband sounds like a brilliant, handsome control freak with a very strict life plan that he doesn't want to deviate from at all.
And it also sounds like despite his amazing qualities you deeply resent him for pressuring you into getting an abortion you didn't want.
It doesn't matter if all his reasons sound logical. He's obviously good at coming up with logical reasons to support an argument. He didn't even listen to you. He refused to discuss it and he used "I'm only thinking of you" arguments like
"He's afraid that having a baby would hurt my body (he's over a foot taller than me) and mind (i'm already on the depressed side and his mother suffered from horrible post partum) He knows I don't tend to enjoy the presence of little kids He wants me to get experience in STEM, recover from undergrad, move along with my goals". while at the same time shutting down what you wanted completely.
I am wondering if what you're sensing is someone who needs so much control over their lives that they probably will never want the messiness of having children.
Because while the arguments all are phrased very logically they are also total bullshit when stood alongside the fact that he immediately tried to book you for an abortion the second he found out you were pregnant and he refused to even talk to you about it.
What he was really saying was I Don't Want A Baby.
I'm sorry for your suffering. To me it seems like you are grieving feeling incompatible with your partner as much as what could have been. Him being amazing and handsome and supportive doesn't mean much if happiness for you means kids and for him it's something else. You want different things in life.
Consider your future, you could stay together and swallow your desire to be a parent, or divorce and find someone who is happy and excited about pregnancy as you are.
I say this as a childfree person myself, to have kids or not isn't something partners can compromise on. If they are not on the same page on that subject there is a major malfunction, even if on the surface you care about each other and get along. You can't both expect different outcomes and feel fulfilled.
Although you say he’s great in every other respect, I would seriously question if you ever want to have a family with someone who so unilaterally decides something that should have taken your wishes and desires into account as well. If his reasons for not wanting the child are a long laundry list and yours are that you want a supportive and involved co-parent, then you may have some underlying issues together. It would bother me that he wants to the circumstances surrounding children to be his way or the high way (the feeling I get from reading OP’s post). I feel from your post that he thinks he knows what is best for you individually and as a couple.
And I wouldn’t let your depression stop you, if and when you are ready again. I have persistent depressive disorder. My doctors and I were very proactive in finding alterations of my medications for safe pregnancy and were vigilant for post-partum depression. Luckily I did not experience that...But we were vigilant. And studies have shown that a fully supportive partner is a huge factor in mitigating ppd.
Also, your size difference means virtually nothing in terms of carrying and delivering a child. Not to mention your body is physically better able to cope with bearing a child while younger. And your career should be your choice- sounds like you’re not even having the opportunity for the career experience he thought you’d miss out on.
For now, I think you are doing the best you can, OP. Stay busy, avoid triggers, do your yoga, go to therapy. Take it one day at a time. I am sorry for you, but know that you will come out of this OK, whatever decisions you decide are right for you.
That being said, having a baby is an expensive process and raising a kid (well) generally requires some preparation and planning. Many people do this while expecting, just wanted to mention that it’s a consideration.